Setting boundaries can often feel overwhelming, especially when many emotions are involved. We may even have grown up in an environment where we were taught that boundaries are rude and selfish. Just a side note: They are the complete opposite. When done in a loving, respectful manner, setting boundaries is a necessity for your well-being. 

It’s taken me many years to get good at setting healthy boundaries. For quite some time, I felt guilty and shameful that I had to put the boundaries with someone I cared about and loved. However, in my case, it came down to my health and safety versus allowing this other person to use me as their emotional punching bag. 

The person you are trying to set boundaries with will often criticize you and cause ongoing strife. The other person may be in disbelief because you finally realize what you will and will not accept in a relationship. It is difficult to stand your ground when this happens, but it is necessary. If you are being made to feel guilty because you want a healthy relationship, then the boundary is essential. 

So, what does it look like and feel like to set healthy boundaries?

One of the most important steps is to set expectations. Think about what you want and need from the relationship. Are you treated respectfully, even if there is a disagreement? Are your needs heard and understood? 

You can start by asking yourself what a healthy relationship with this person looks like. Then, make a list of things that may stand out to you. The next step is to communicate these expectations to the other person. Here is where it can get tricky. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Your emotional well-being is not a game. When you speak to the other person, use kindness and a respectful tone of voice. If they react harshly, that is on them, not you.

Emotional boundaries involve protecting your emotional state and ensuring that you feel safe. The boundary is usually not the issue; the other person doesn’t want to respect it. Again, this is on them and not you. 

Sometimes, people don’t create emotional boundaries simply because they haven’t identified their needs. If you’re used to taking on the emotions of those around you or sacrificing your well-being for the sake of others, it can be hard to see the importance of boundaries. You may develop a need to “fix” whatever is bothering your partner, friend, family member, etc., which can compromise your well-being and ignore signs to create limits. 

For a very long time, I believed that God may punish me for setting boundaries with my loved ones. Friend, if this is you, please stop and hear this: You are not in the wrong for wanting to keep yourself or your family safe and respected. Enabling bad behavior from someone, no matter who it may be, is not love. Boundaries set up the correct, loving behaviors God intended for our relationships. 

Colossians 4:6(NIV) says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

Here are some things to remember about boundaries:

• You do not need to feel guilty for saying “no.”
• You are only responsible for your words and your actions.
• Use “I” statements when speaking to others. 
• You can forgive someone for their behavior without forgetting.
• Enabling bad behavior is not what God intended for relationships.
• You don’t owe outsiders an explanation for wanting to set a boundary with a loved one. Only you and Jesus need to understand. 

I could probably write an entire book on this topic…maybe one day! Please know you are not alone if you struggle with setting boundaries. Be patient with yourself and align your boundaries with your Godly values. 

If you want to download a pdf on boundary settings, please CLICK HERE.